Best Saturday Night Opening Monologue

Transcribed Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Opening Monologue:

Introductions
My name is Hugh Laurie

I would genuinely love to know all your names
But that’s not really a good use of our time, now, is it?
So instead if you don’t mind I’m just going to call you collectively… “Sweet Cheeks”
If you know me at all…the curmudgeonly misanthrope
“House” from the TV show of that name.

…But in real life I am…
I am daffodils
I am the morning dew
I am the laughter of children
I’m the smell of freshly baked bread
I am the postman’s cheery good morning
I am the yelp of the puppy freed from the microwave
I’m chicken-fed corn
The seven of clubs that fills the inside straight
I’m the grateful twinkle in your grandmother’s eyes as you reverse the tractor off her legs
I am sugar, spice and all things nice
I am the click on the empty chamber when it’s your turn in Russian Roulette
I am Hope, Love, Mankind, the World…I am everything….It’s called Lithium